Please note that this is an April Fool’s joke. To believe or not to believe what you hear or see is up to you.
The year three thousand and twenty-four has arrived, and for your attention – the news of April 1, 3024. And let’s start with news from our neighboring countries:
Putin’s mummy from the mausoleum wins the 256th consecutive presidential election in Russia. The results are unsuccessfully contested by Navalny’s skeleton from the graves.
Before the Lunar Parliament elections to be held on June 8, 3024, polls show that parties such as Mēnes Tīstīstībai, Mēnes tītīstībai, Mēnes tīstībāi, Mėnes tīstības, Mėnes Įnesim, Mašo ļalų Union and Visu Mėnesim can get the most support from the voters ahead of the Lunar Parliament elections to be held on June 8, 3024! Meanwhile, the New Moon Party objects that it is called the Full Moon Party behind its back.
Back to Latvian news right here on our planet. Today, the Saeima failed to approve the plan proposed by the government to liquidate the last school in Latvia from September 1, 2025. According to the avatar of our correspondent from the Saeima, the rest of the schools in our country were closed already 50 years ago, as a result of which only illiterate people were elected and sit in the new Saeima, who were therefore unable to read the government’s draft decision on the liquidation of the last remaining school.
The Rēzekne municipality budget recorded a significant deficit in 2024 as well, which is the eight hundredth year in a row that Rēzekne cannot make ends meet. The last audit of the State Audit Office found that the debts have become astronomical: among the unpaid debts, liabilities to the Zeta Reticuli have been revealed, to whom Rēzekne has not been able to return eight bags of plasmotron radiation on time.
The Center for the Protection of Consumer Rights has announced that it has recently started receiving complaints about defects in the gender change switch. “My gender switch is stuck in a certain position, and I’m forced to be Karl for the third day, even though I want to become Karlina by the end of the week, so that I can be treated to drinks at the club,” one of the submissions reads.
“What is Latvia’s plan to ensure that we do not fail at Eurovision at least in 3025” – read Sandra Vanzović’s report from Europe. As you know, Europa is the fourth largest moon of Jupiter, and Europe organizes the Eurovision Song Contest to highlight European tourism on this Jupiter-orbiting planetoid, which has to compete fiercely with both the Martians and the Venusian offer for interplanetary tourism.
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